Rejection Wrapped in Pride

I am afraid to be myself

Not in the in between when you catch me naturally being me

But in the consistent front I set up because I don’t want to be judge

I remember hating my eyebrows because a lady in Michigan called me a little wolf girl

I remember being tease by Diamond Jeremy & Justin for having small ears & my childhood nickname BJ being ruined because they called me blowjob

I remember being told I look like a frog & everyday in middle school I wore tights because i got teased for how hairy my legs are

I didn’t want to be me anymore

I found safety in singing, dancing, & acting at home

Making imaginary friends & finding peace in being alone

When I tried to share my gifts with the world my facial expressions were just too strong

Everyone looked at me like I did something wrong but there were a few things I could count on

My hair being done, being dressed better than them all; I mean my mom kept me fly & she always drove a nice car so the kids they loved me for that i mean people still do

I remember after graduating high school I just didn’t care anymore what anyone thought, i had an abortion i barely graduated and i became a social drunk

I popped pills, messed with girls, & smoked

I was “free”…free of my inhibitions free of everyone’s negative opinions

I was crazy, sexy, cool, Bijan who said what she wanted & who cussed everyone out

I thought I made some friends until all my secrets came out

Betrayal after betrayal I just sought for a way out

Away out from the body count, away out from same functions that never seem to get played out

Away from the girls away from the boys away from the mess

Man I was mess

But then a friend reached out to me December 23, 2010

Told me I was beautiful to God & I didn’t have to live like this

I lived in Ladera Heights around then, I fell to my knees on my living room floor & began to repent
Somewhere in the mix Jesus was always in the midst but I didn’t know Him as Lord my personal savior then

But the journey began, started going to study my bible, started to question sin, really began to wonder if Heaven would let me in

My mind was changing, I was changing & I was no longer ashamed

March 13, 2011 I got baptized in Jesus name filled with Holy Ghost & spoke in tongues; this was the beginning to an end

I was on fire & my twitter account went from hoe to holiness within hours

That turned so many friends sour

But that Holy Ghost power didn’t let me cower

Until I encountered some church folks who hurt me to the core

I remember being judge for my cheery countenance and embracive demeanor

My worship was too clubby & ppl just looked at me funny

They didn’t know all I had been through but my expectations were shot & I grew cold and quiet there too

I found myself wearing my Sunday’s best keeping my hair & makeup in check; that’s when I was really noticed yes.

It never pushed me out of the church until I fell in love with the wrong guy over & over again

Monday night prayer, Wednesday bible class, & Sunday morning/night service became all about him

I wasn’t even listening to the word

I was idolizing a foolish young man, “Will he marry me…will he ditch her & choose me?'“…

”Why am i not worthy?” “When will I ever be enough?!”

I became obsessive & did whatever to win his attention

I became a perfect cookie cutter church mess

Perfect on the outside but filthy on the inside back in the wold with religion as it’s name.

Those days are over & I am choosing no longer to remain BROKEN

xoxo Bijan Mejia​

Hidden Mirrors

It’s crazy, just this morning I was thinking to make an apology to all the young men I placed my insecurities & fears on. It’s not fair & us women do not acknowledge this when we need to. It takes two, & until we are able to look in the mirror & see ourselves, we will continue to attract what we are. Honestly I am tired of taking a passive approach to my singleness instead of addressing the real issue. Like the fact that I can be lazy, complacent, & content therein which is a sure fire hell no for any man that is looking to seriously commit. Beautiful girl with no ambition ? Why would anyone take me seriously? Shoot, I don’t even even take me seriously. So there you have it! Marinating in this energy that I’m oh so comfortably nestled in, I am attracting good for nothing men & entertaining them…all the while I am unfulfilled, discontent, suspicious…

Like Bijan, come on GIRL, is it really worth it to settle this hard because you don’t want to put in the work to get the results you yearn for ? You can have faith out of this world, but if you’re not striving to achieve your goals, you are a fool, a straight up deceived woman who needs to wake up & take control over her life! Why take whatever punches life throws at you & not fight back?! Change the narrative, stick to a plan & manifest every GOOD thing GOD HAS PROMISED YOU? Value/Respect self, put GOD/SELF FIRST. You are now dead & your life is hid with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3). You are not your own (1 Corinthians 6:19).

You are fearfully & wonderfully made! Don’t waste your youth & vigor by accepting mediocrity. Be SELECTIVE with what you watch, listen to & think about because it influences & affects you! You got this love, set your affections on things above, not on things on the earth (Colossians 3:2). Whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of a good report: if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, THINK ON THESE THINGS (Philippians 4:8). Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may PROVE what is that good, & acceptable, & perfect, WILL OF GOD (Romans 12:2).

PRAYER: Renew my mind Father, help me to bold, confident, & faithful in standing on & trusting your word. Use me Lord to minister to those whose hearts break like mine. Send me where they are thirsty for your word so I may water your people by your power & by your might God! Discipline my soul Lord Jesus so I can run this race with endurance & bless others along the way. In your mighty name Jesus, amen.

READ: Proverbs 4:20-27