I am afraid to be myself
Not in the in between when you catch me naturally being me
But in the consistent front I set up because I don’t want to be judge
I remember hating my eyebrows because a lady in Michigan called me a little wolf girl
I remember being tease by Diamond Jeremy & Justin for having small ears & my childhood nickname BJ being ruined because they called me blowjob
I remember being told I look like a frog & everyday in middle school I wore tights because i got teased for how hairy my legs are
I didn’t want to be me anymore
I found safety in singing, dancing, & acting at home
Making imaginary friends & finding peace in being alone
When I tried to share my gifts with the world my facial expressions were just too strong
Everyone looked at me like I did something wrong but there were a few things I could count on
My hair being done, being dressed better than them all; I mean my mom kept me fly & she always drove a nice car so the kids they loved me for that i mean people still do
I remember after graduating high school I just didn’t care anymore what anyone thought, i had an abortion i barely graduated and i became a social drunk
I popped pills, messed with girls, & smoked
I was “free”…free of my inhibitions free of everyone’s negative opinions
I was crazy, sexy, cool, Bijan who said what she wanted & who cussed everyone out
I thought I made some friends until all my secrets came out
Betrayal after betrayal I just sought for a way out
Away out from the body count, away out from same functions that never seem to get played out
Away from the girls away from the boys away from the mess
Man I was mess
But then a friend reached out to me December 23, 2010
Told me I was beautiful to God & I didn’t have to live like this
I lived in Ladera Heights around then, I fell to my knees on my living room floor & began to repent
Somewhere in the mix Jesus was always in the midst but I didn’t know Him as Lord my personal savior then
But the journey began, started going to study my bible, started to question sin, really began to wonder if Heaven would let me in
My mind was changing, I was changing & I was no longer ashamed
March 13, 2011 I got baptized in Jesus name filled with Holy Ghost & spoke in tongues; this was the beginning to an end
I was on fire & my twitter account went from hoe to holiness within hours
That turned so many friends sour
But that Holy Ghost power didn’t let me cower
Until I encountered some church folks who hurt me to the core
I remember being judge for my cheery countenance and embracive demeanor
My worship was too clubby & ppl just looked at me funny
They didn’t know all I had been through but my expectations were shot & I grew cold and quiet there too
I found myself wearing my Sunday’s best keeping my hair & makeup in check; that’s when I was really noticed yes.
It never pushed me out of the church until I fell in love with the wrong guy over & over again
Monday night prayer, Wednesday bible class, & Sunday morning/night service became all about him
I wasn’t even listening to the word
I was idolizing a foolish young man, “Will he marry me…will he ditch her & choose me?'“…
”Why am i not worthy?” “When will I ever be enough?!”
I became obsessive & did whatever to win his attention
I became a perfect cookie cutter church mess
Perfect on the outside but filthy on the inside back in the wold with religion as it’s name.
Those days are over & I am choosing no longer to remain BROKEN
xoxo Bijan Mejia